Parenting religion: who guards the guardians?

"'I now disrespect parents who are religious,' says Aisha, 'because I think they just twist religion to suit their own ends or to please their social circle. I have gone from being a hijabi to doubting my faith altogether. I feel that in order for there to be any change, parents need to learn how to practise Islam in a positive way, rather than using it as a weapon to condemn others. Also, we need to stop backbiting because it is the source of intense family anxiety. Girls will never be able to live out their dreams.'"
It is, of course, not just Muslims who can suffer these difficulties. Though I must say that the picture of 'Muslim' family life presented through the eyes of the women in this article is very disturbing, though we should recall that two hundred years ago in GB the parenting might have seemed remarkably similar. Of course, once you get into the article you relise that the real issue is family honour which seems to be more important than religion, though religion clearly plays a legitimating function in the culture concerned. What I can't get a clear answer on is how far that legitimation in Islam is central or peripheral; is family honour 'de fide' or a cultural accretion? Clearly the women pay the price for it, while, by observation, the men largely get away with murder [sometimes almost literally].

Certainly reading it I feel that the better way of bringing up children is to provide security and love and build an atmosphere of respect and trust. The idea of setting curfews for coming home from school and breeding fear of socialisation seems horrific to me: it says, implicitly, to the kids, "you are not trustworthy and you are bound to want to do wrong" and I can't help feeling that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in many cases. It is another case of obliquity: if you aim to prevent your kids straying you create conditions conducive to the things you fear. To make it more likely that your children will grow up well 'simply' love and respect them. I don't disagree with boundaries, the issue isn't boundaries, the issue is how you make and enforce them. It can be done oppresively and without real thought about how the child might respond ['love your neighbour as yourself' applies to your kids too] then the seeds of conflict are sown.
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