Forgiving an accidental death

Another story of forgiving. In this case of a man forgiving the driver of a car which killed his wife. The central part of this seems to be this:

[I]f things had been just a little different I might have killed someone too. So in a certain way, I don’t think that we are that different.

In this I see a crucial move to recognising a common humanity ('not that different') based on a recognition of common frailty ('...just a little different I might...') sometimes expressed as 'there but for the grace of God go I'. In this case the insight seems to have arisen from a conversation in which the potential for himself being at the wheel in such an accident was mentioned -and in fact strengthened by a what-if comparison in that the actual driver was not intoxicated whereas the forgiver had driven under the influence. In that the 'there but for the grace...' dimension was strengthened.

What I found also interesting is the recognition of common humanity in the face of death and loss.

What has become clear to me is that sooner or later we all have to face the reality that we will loose everything and everyone we care about, and that when the time comes, we all have to die alone.

It seems to me that this recognition plays a significant role in framing the issue of loss in such a way as to give it a manageable proportion in the longer term (and this was 3 years after the event). Seeing ourselves modestly, not at the centre of the universe, and seeing ourselves against the tragic threads of life helps us to be emotionally resilient.

I was also struck by these words at the end of the speech.

This world being the way it is, I think it’s best if we spend our days loving each other, doing what we can to be a force of good

It seems to me that this is an attitude consonant with how I understand the relevant clause in the Lord's Prayer (Forgive ... as we forgive, in case you were struggling!). In the context of the will of God and the Kingdom, we know that we are called to love our neighbours. We know from the parable of the Good Samaritan that our neighbour is one who needs our help (or forgiveness). We are called to be in the cycle of being loved and loving -which includes being forgiven and forgiving.

And of course this helps us to recognise the sense in the final gesture of the story.

I walked over and shook his hand, then I gave him a hug and told him it was ok. I did it for myself as much as for him, I think

Forgiving is also about being able to move on and not be defined by the tragedy we are recovering from.
In other posts I have made about forgiveness, all of these elements have in the aggregate been seen. It is perhaps in seeing this that we begin to see the big picture about forgiving. It is about discovering our own frail humanity and our commonality with others. It is about becoming able to let go for our own sakes as well as for others' and about learning to embody lovingkindness even in the tragedies.

The only thing not in this recounting is anger. Quite possibly that was there in the living of the aftermath even if not in the story. After three years, perhaps any anger had abated. Though it may even have been that, living with compassionate attitudes before the incident, had prepared a mental and emotional backdrop which disabled deep and abiding anger from taking root.